


Penis Envy

by sjhw_tolerance (mscorkill)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-29
Updated: 2012-04-29
Packaged: 2017-11-04 12:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/394105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscorkill/pseuds/sjhw_tolerance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not all men—or Goa’uld—are created equal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penis Envy

**Author's Note:**

> Number one of two stories written for the nude painting prompt. (I hope you also realize we left the realm of serious apocalyptic stories behind with #3).*g*
> 
> Prompt: Write an apocafic which in some way features a nude painting of Jack. 
> 
> Originally posted August 2007; apocalypse kree ficathon

PENIS ENVY

“So, Daniel,” O’Neill said, using his patient voice. “Remind me again why we came here?”

“Umm…” Daniel looked at him from over his glasses, pausing in the charcoal rubbing he was making of some hieroglyph. “The usual reasons?”

Jack grunted. Right, the usual reasons. P4X-669, which was the ‘here’ looked like any other number of countless worlds they’d visited. It was green, full of trees, some distant mountains and not a soul in sight, just like the last twenty planets they’d visited. Well, except for the obvious lack of inhabitants and the ruins both Daniel and Carter found so damn fascinating. Even Teal’c appeared intrigued, wandering around the great chamber of the partially destroyed building that Daniel had proclaimed was either a royal residence or a brothel—depending on the translation.

Jack leaned more towards brothel, given the preponderance of nude figures still visible in the frescoes and mosaics adorning the large room, most of its wall’s still standing, though half the roof had caved in. Large breasted women and well-endowed men cavorted in meadows and elaborate rooms, along with a variety of half-human and half-animal creatures Jack didn’t even want to know about.

Carter had paused in front of a fresco of two men and one woman, limbs and other body parts contorted into positions that hardly looked comfortable, much less erotic, and O’Neill cleared his throat. Startled, she glanced at him, a slight flush showing on her cheeks and she immediately started fiddling with the dials on her instruments. She turned a slow three-sixty around the room, studiously avoiding looking at the frescoes now, though how she could miss the fact she was standing on a partially obliterated mosaic of two men getting very friendly was beyond Jack.

“I’m not reading anything out of the ordinary, sir.”

Her announcement confirmed what the MALP had already told them, not shedding any light on whatever had brought about the downfall of whatever snakehead had last resided there. 

“So, we still don’t know squat.”

She nodded and looked at him without quite meeting his eyes. “I’ll scan for organic compounds, along with the usual—”

“Ahh!” Jack held up his hand. “I don’t need to know all the details, just do your thing.” He made a little shooing gesture with his hand and she frowned slightly, focusing on her little machine again.

“Teal’c?” Jack said, sitting down on what at one time might have been a bench and leaning back against a fresco of two women involved in a passionate kiss. “Keep an eye on those two.” 

Teal’c inclined his head. “As you wish, O’Neill.”

Satisfied that Teal’c would keep the two scientists out of trouble, Jack set the alarm on his watch and pulled his cap down over his eyes; he’d spend his time waiting on them catching a little shut eye.

One hour later, the beeping on Jack’s watch woke him. Yawning, he sat up, his butt almost numb from the hard stone of the bench. And, not to his great surprise, he was alone in the large chamber, his team still off investigating. 

“Teal’c?” he said, keying his radio. Jack frowned when there wasn’t any immediate answer. “Daniel? Carter?” Still no answer. 

“Oh, for crying out loud!” More annoyed than worried, he stalked off through the only other door in the chamber, going through a maze of rooms until he finally heard their voices, following them until he emerged in what had to be the largest room he’d been in so far. “Didn’t you hear your radios?” he groused at the three missing members of his team.

“Sorry, sir,” Carter said. “Probably the shielding in the room.”

“There’s shielding?” he asked, looking around. The chamber they were currently in looked completely undamaged, some of the furniture was still intact—and there were more erotic frescos on the walls and mosaics on the floor. 

“This appears to be the main chambers of the ruler of this world.”

“Ah.” Jack looked around, trying to be suitably impressed. Teal’c stood beside a massive fireplace, with a mantel held up by naked women, a slight smile on his normally impassive features. Carter, oddly enough, seemed engrossed in her readouts once more; though Jack would swear was covertly studying him out of the corner of her eye. And over by a large, ornate chest, surrounded by at least a dozen rolled up scrolls, Daniel knelt, busy studying one scroll he had spread out on the floor.

“I think I’ve figured it out, guys,” Daniel suddenly proclaimed, looking up. “Oh, hi Jack,” he said, blinking and pushing his glasses up his nose.

“Figured out what, Daniel?”

“Ahh…what happened to these people.”

“And?”

“Well, apparently a lesser Goa’uld, who went by the name Eros—”

“Eros?” Jack interrupted. “As in…?” he gestured around the room.

“Yes, as in the god of love,” Daniel answered. “This Eros built this temple—”

“So that’s what we’re calling it?” Jack interrupted again.

Daniel ignored him and went on speaking. “As a vacation home, retreat, whatever you want to call it. He had peculiar tastes—”

“Yeah, I got that part, Daniel.”

“—which the local inhabitants found particularly offensive.”

“So they had a rebellion, we’ve seen that before.”

“Well, they did a little more than rebel. They staged a mass suicide. The household staff poisoned Eros and all of the guests one weekend and then the entire community took the same poison.”

“And we know this how?”

“Eros’ chief priest was in on it and left careful documentation of their entire plan as a legacy to record triumph of the people over their oppressor.”

“Okay.” Jack didn’t say anything, but it sounded pretty darn stupid to him to leave behind a legacy that no one might ever find.

“And he left this painting,” Daniel said, reaching into the pile of scrolls surrounding him and pulling out a large, rolled up piece of canvas. Daniel unrolled the canvas, revealing a nude portrait of a man standing causally beside a large pedestal, several adoring and likewise nude women clustered at his feet. The man was well-built, muscular and sporting an impressive—if not slightly unbelievable—erection that seemed to be the focus of the adoring women.

So far Jack wasn’t terribly impressed, this Goa’uld didn’t seem any different than any of the narcissistic and self-centered others of his breed, except for perhaps his nudity kink. And then he saw the Goa’uld’s face. A crown of olive leaves rested in his short, silvery hair; brown eyes with that characteristic yellow glow painted in; a generous nose and thin lips. Jack could have been looking in the mirror except for the whole glowing eye thing. 

“This was the Goa’uld?”

“A remarkable likeness, do you not agree, O’Neill?”

Jack seriously couldn’t tell of Teal’c was making a joke or not and Carter wasn’t even trying to hide the speculative look in her eyes anymore. In fact, she seemed to be staring right at his crotch. 

Daniel laughed, carefully rolling up the canvas. “Yes, Jack. It looks like this Goa’uld could be your   
doppel-wänger.”

If looks could kill, Daniel would have dropped dead right then. Jack snatched the offending painting out of Daniel’s hands—he’d safely dispose of it later—and glared at his team, which didn’t seem to quell their apparent amusement at his expense. “Not one word when we get back to the SGC,” Jack growled.

“Yes, sir.”

“As you wish, O’Neill.”

“Jack—”

“Not one word!”

THE END


End file.
